The Clock Keeps Ticking...

"Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing" (Macbeth)

Been watching more Death Note. Except it's not the same. One of the main characters has been killed off and its like the show is missing half it's value. They paid no tribute to him, they paused only ever so briefly for his death and then kept going on as if nothing had happened. I found myself aghast that this would happen. Surely the script writers woudl have made more of a big deal? Surely he would come back somehow?

But he didn't. The plot kept moving on and years passsed by as if he had never existed. The cruelty of time - that forgets those now gone.

It's been almost a year now since Dad was fired from his job. Not once has anyone from his office come and visited him. Not once have they called and said hello. Undoubtedly some fresh faced grad is sitting in his desk, the desk that Dad inhabited for decades. Time has moved on and left him behind.

But it's the same with all of us. Next year when I leave hospital, another keen intern or resident will fill my place and life will go on as if I'd never been there. I could move home to the country and my room in the city would be filled by someone else.
It's a humbling existence we lead. We are here one minute and then we're not. And within a year or two our memories are erased from the earth and time marches on.
"Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, "I have no pleasure in them"; before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars are darkened and the clouds return after the rain...and desire fails, because man is going to his eternal home... and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher; all is vanity." - Qoheleth

Fear

"Fear attracts the fearful" (Darth Maul)

Everyone's afraid of something. Kids are afraid of the dark, afraid of the bogeyman, afarid of being lost in a shopping centre.
Women are afraid of "abandonment, isolation, loss of love"*
Men are afraid of "engulfment, anything that threatens to rob us of our power and control"*

People fear incompetence, they fear singing in public, they fear being singled out and embaressed, they fear being brainwashed, they fear being targetted for marriage, they fear losing their security, they fear losing their independance.**
We fear growing old, we fear losing loved ones, we fear own own death and build picket fences around death in order to whitewash its true grim reality.
Our lives are plagued by fear. Our lives are lived out in fear.
Why are we so afraid? Is it the expectation of loss? Is it irrational or is it justified? How should we respond to our fears? Is fear always good? Is fear always bad? Can we become desensitised to our fears? Or will they always come back to haunt us?
Fear. Such a primitive response. The sympathetic nervous reaction to perceived threat. An adaptive evolutionary mechanism to ensure survival of the fittest?

If we're honest with ourselves, beneath the layers of protection and barriers we put up, we all fear something.
What do you fear?

* Fire in the Belly, On Being a Man. Sam Keen.

** Why Men hate Going to Church. David Murrow.

Frida?

Chilling at home tonight when a female voice called down the hallway "Um hello? Anyone home?"

Realising we'd left our front door open again and any random stranger could waltz in, I scurried out to see who was invading our den of masculinity (and uncleanliness). Turns out it was a visitor for my japanese flatmate, but someone who I also knew through mutual friends and who apprently my 'other' flatmate knew through aother circumstances. And so we stood around chatting about the random things that can really only pop into one's head when standing in the hallway.

"So you're wearing a T shirt that says "Minnesota"... you ever been to Minnesota?" asked our visitor.
"Um no not really, my sister used to be a nanny there for this guy who worked at Company-That-Makes-Medical-Stuff (CTMMS)"
"Oh really! Cos I work for CTMMS in Sydney and that's why I asked... cos I've been to Minnesota on business!"

Small world...

Turns out her job is to promote the new adhesive material we use to stick down our cannulas (drips) with. It sounds pretty cool. They're even making a see through type dressing so you can see how a wound is healing without havign to remove the dressing and risk infection/wound breakdown! How cool is that! (well I think it is haha - so I told her to send me a copy of her presentation)

Then we began talking about the strange English names that FOBs* take for themselves when they move to Australia. Such as "Wailee" and "Frida" and "Spanky" (what the??)

Anyways, in less interesting news, I am now working in "Geriatric Rehabilitation". And I've never been happier!** Ward rounds start around 8:45 and leisurely cruise up and down the corridor seeing our old bats*** and asking them the ever so delicate questions that distinguish geriatrics from other medicine:
"So who lives with you at home?"
"Have you opened your bowels today?"
"Who's the Prime Minister?"

My consultant is on a personal mission to rid the world of temazepam**** and in her crusade has declared our ward 'Benzo-Free' which means all the patients sleep terribly and look like zombies. But they're happy. Which means I'm happy.

Our ward was recently refurbished 2 months ago and is still looking brand new. We have a proper doctors office to hide in. We have lunch (being able to eat during the day is a cool concept!)

And the best bit is that at 4;59 I can start packing my bag and walk out the door at 5pm on the dot.

Some people say Geris Rehab is awful. That it's too boring and too much paperwork. Those people can have theri crazy hours on cardiology wards or early morning surgical ward rounds and days of holding retractors. I still get paid as much as they do whilst I gaze out the window and stare at the view of the Bridge.

*FOB = Fresh-Off-Boaters. Foreigners (usually Asians) who act so differnet they can be classed as having just hit the shores of Australia.

** Well working at least... med school was always a hoot... and maybe first term last year doing psych.. but I don't think that ever counted as 'work'.

*** On our geriatric ward we have 4 guys and 18 girls - who said there was a 'man-drought' in Australia?

**** temazepam is a benzodiazepine commonly used as a 'sleeping pill'