Phoenix

The past few weeks have been awful.

Work has been terrifying to the point that I feel like I want to vomit before I go. I'm unsupervised for 2/3 of the shifts I do and in charge of making the decision to admit sick children during winter when meningococcal is at its peak. I'm terrified of the one that will present atypically and pray daily that none of the kids I see will come to any harm. I'm out of my depth and having huge troubles finding blue threads of venous tissue to attempt to stab for blood.

Dad has gotten worse. We had a complaint from a neighbour that he was urinating in the street which subsequently led to him being admitted to a psychiatric hospital. It's hard watching your male role model and hero being consignedto a humiliating end with no dignity. Death has no regard for Dad's honour. We're trialling some SSRI's and risperidone to calm him down but it's going to have to result in some changes when (and if) he goes home.

And yet throughout all this I took comfort in my friends and relationships. People who I knew would always be there for me. And yet one of the closeset ones is now gone. I feel alone, unattractive and like a fool. The hopes I had were a joke and just another let down. And the loss of the closeness of the friendship stings. None of it makes sense.

As a guy, I like to have some degree of control in my life. To be able to make plans and live out dreams. But when those are crsuhed what do you do? When life is dictated to you rather than by you. Without hope, life becomes just a set of responsibilities and obligations.

To be honest, it's been a very dark few weeks. The cold, dark wet of the weather reflects the inner soul. Ahedonia sets in and the black cloud is straining at the door to be let in. And the urge to keep fighting dwindles.

And yet despite all this, the spark does not go out. Barely holding onto a hope unseen, I have been brought through the storm to rise above it. Just because life is not determined by me does not mean that life is out of control. It's just being controlled by someone bigger and more powerful.

Some people like to refer to His control as 'guidance'... to be honest I think that's a suboptimal term. Most of the time we don't 'choose' our path, it is dealt out to us and we just have to choose how to deal with it. Rather than guidance I would prefer to call it 'dragging'. Sometimes we get dragged through awful stuff, only to find it makes us stronger, that it thrusts us onto our knees before one who simultaneously instills fear and peace in the hearts of thsoe that belong to Him.

I find myself now still so deeply hurting and crushed and yet filled with a strength and resolve that is supernatural. In light of life's events, not in spite of life's events, I will run harder and faster and more closely with Him. Life is not alright (far from it) and yet I am alright. Like a phoenix, we rise from the ashes.

"Let now our hearts burn with a flame,
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name"